10 years

Dear Cherry,

Yesterday was the 10th year, since you left us.

The pain is no longer as fresh but it will never go away.
I'd always remember that feeling that consumed me when Phil gave me that phone call.

The bursting into tears and heartbreak I felt.
That was the first time someone close to me passed.

I had so many thoughts, so many regrets, things that I thought I should have done differently when you were still around.

The parties we could have;
the inside jokes that we share;
the laughters we always share;
the music we loved.

And you shaking your head at all the relationships that I had.
And that last missed call you gave me before that trip.

And I never called you back because I thought it was nothing important. Who would have thought that would be the last time we can even speak to each other?
So many times I looked at my phone log, seeing your name on my missed call list.... knowing it'll never appear again.

If only.............

So many ifs.

But I also learnt to cherish important people around me, because I really don't want to live my life with regrets knowing there's so much more I could have done and didn't.

I miss you, till we meet again my fruity friend.

Wtf is a marriage? A commitment to each other that you’ll ‘be there in sickness and health till death do us apart’? Or just a piece of paper showing off to the world that someone wants you, you’re taken, to show the world you’re happy and in love

What’s the point of marriage if there’s no honesty, no understanding, no communications, no commitment, no loyalty.

This is why I never believed in marriage. Some people say I’m gonna be ‘left on the shelf’ once I turn 30 and unmarried. Lol what is marriage honestly if there are no plans to be committed no plans to be honest and just having a relationship living based on a lie.

Ya you might look happy on the outside. “Oh my Husband this my Husband that” but you come home every night to an empty house or with a man who’s mind is not even there with you even though he’s physically there

Lol or when he knows you’re out on a game of overnight mahjong then he secretly leaves home to call someone then come home for 2 mins to take his wallet etc then get on an Uber with somebody else and leaves to god knows where. And you trying to act like you’re happy then tells your Daughter “pls just let me go play mahjong and let me be happy, I want to be happy”

For fuck sake leave me alone
I have enough of this fake happy family image. Get some balls and leave this fucking idiot.

Why am I letting this get to me so much? I told myself I will ignore this is none of my business but being stuck at home and living with you two is driving me insane. Can’t wait to turn 35 and move out and let you two just deal with yourselves

It pains me to see you behave like this almost everyday,
I told myself to just let you be so you'll learn but somehow you just seemed to can't snap out of it

What can I do? I wish I could do something for you.
I want to give you my love and affection, let you know I'm there for you.
But they are only temporary reliefs...
At the end of the day, you will still want him to treat you the way you've hoped for so so many years
I wish you could see what I see,
that he's never gonna change. He will never love you.
I wish you could see - he's only staying because he needs you to feed him, clothe him, and pay for his holidays and funs.

There's nothing I can do, I feel so helpless, angry and just disappointed.
I tried not giving a fuck but I can't because you are the most important person to me in this world.

I just want you to be happy :'(

Exams in 2 days time, but I just feel like I need to vent this out.

I fucking hate dramas.
All I hope, is all of us could be transparent with one another, and not be worried/afraid to say what is exactly on our minds.
What's with all these "Please act blur, act like you don't know anything about this"
"Please don't tell him/her that I know what he/she did"

Like come on, isn't it tiring? To act like everything is okay and we all clearly know as hell that nothing is okay?

And also, why do some people like to watch the world burn? What do they get? A kick out of people's anger?

And if you're unhappy. SAY IT OUT. Don't act like you're fine and trying to fix everything but your words and tonality totally plays a different tune. I am not blind or deaf, WE ALL CAN TELL.
Stop the pretense that you are okay, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT.

I don't want to say much because I have learnt, it's best to not care anymore.

At the start of 2017, I made a resolution: To be less judgmental, spend more time with friends, make more effort, don't keep going to gym and neglect friends/family time.
And that's what I did.
What I got in return: An eye-opening experience that affirmed my beliefs in some people's characters, and also learning that, loving myself is so much more important.

Huge lesson learnt: Mind your own fucking business.

Ps. I hope she knows, that nothing can ever change my mind about her. What kind of person I think she is. I don't know what is wrong with you, but I am really hurt that you think about me this way.

"YOU'RE DEAD TO ME"

Que sera sera.

After 3 years, I finally got it done.

Kitty

.

Happen to see some old photos and saw this, I miss you so much kitty.

I still remember the very first time I met you.

I hated the house when I first moved in, because I love the previous one so much but didn't have a choice (I couldn't choose who I wanted to be my father)

But a week after moving in, you came.

You stood outside the gate, meowing nonstop till I opened the door for you.

Then you came in like you belonged here, we had no idea where you're from.

Mom asked the previous owner if they've been feeding you before but they said they've never seen you before.

You'll just sit on the floor looking at us, watch the tv, or just sleep.

Kor kor even lay open his sleeping bag for you to sleep on everytime you come because you're just so precious.

I'm sure you belong to someone because you had a collar and you were really well-fed and cleaned.

But we still bought packs and packs of food to feed you everytime you come..

Then days went on to weeks.. months.. and years...

You would come almost everyday, I can hear your bells ring when you come up the stairs.

And sometimes you would meow so loud until we opened the door!

You would sleep on the couch, on the chair, sometimes lying on me and I would try my best not to move even though it gets pretty uncomfortable... and when you start kneading on me.. it kind of hurt because of your nails but it was so cute!

My favourite moment ever, is sometimes when I come home and I see you sitting and chilling on the first floor..

And the moment you hear me opening the gate, you would sit up and run up the stairs just to catch me opening the gate and then coming in to chill...

And that bell of yours ringing when you run up :')

But as years went by, you looked more frail and seemed distant.

You'll come up and still chill but you look so tired everytime.

And the battle scars from fighting with the neighbourhood cats (because you're so territorial!) you have on your body seems to get worse as time goes by, and they don't seem to heal.

I see your owner putting medications on you but it just doesn't get better...

You started coming lesser and everytime you're here, you look so tired.

And one day, I never saw you again :'(

I hope you're doing good wherever you are..

Be it crossing the rainbow bridge or still fighting with other cats..

You've played a part in my life and made me love cats so much more.

I liked cats since I was young, but I fell in love with them ever since I met you.

That blue eyes and chatty meows...

You're also one of the reason why Kor kor decided to adopt Icing, because Icing reminds him of you :')

Never gave you a name, but you'll always be the first kitty in my life :'))

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours to see.
Que sera, sera,
Whatever will be, will be.