Heartbroken

It's been so long since I felt this way. Just couldn't keep my mind off everything.

Like how I screwed up the whole thing cause I was just so damn nervous. 

I'm pretty sure I had no problem reading the passage.

It's just that debate and introduction that I screwed up. I was so nervous I believe I repeated myself a few times. And I did not answer the question accordingly. The guy did not even bother to look at me when I spoke.

Well, at least when I was introducing Shamir they laughed a little. But after that everything just went downhill. I didn't introduce him good enough too. Could I be the reason he got booted out too? If it is I can't feel anymore guilty than that.

I met Yuxin, one of the hopefuls. She's so pretty and nice. And I'm glad I made a friend. She assured me that I'm good enough and maybe we are all just too nervous. 

It really wasn't easy. Chantel spoke so well and she's so pretty, her voice's like music to the ears.

I guess after the interview when we were waiting for the results, everyone kind of know who will get in. Because they were praising one another for speaking so well. 

No one praised me.

So it was pretty expected? But still, I'm so upset.

Went for a jog just now and cleared my mind off this thing. After the interview I just kept thinking about it. Jogging really helps me to de-stress.

But when I came home. I did some floor workouts but I couldn't focus. 

Then I lied face down on the yoga mat,

And I cried.

I couldn't believe it. I would actually cry because of this.

I guess my heart is really really heavy and I needed to release it out.

I kept blaming myself and questioned if I'm really not up for it. Even bro says with my standard, I only stand a 30% chance.

Honest opinions do hurt. But they are real.

But why do they let me go all the way to the management round? It's just baffling.

I never had hopes of getting in when I went on Saturday. But I just passed all the stages and got my hopes up.

And they got dashed on a Sunday morning.

I doubt with my skin I can ever pass skin check again. The lady I met who passed me yesterday was really kind so I think she closed an eye for me.

But I just screw up everything.

I don't know who to talk to. 

I told Phil, Yuxin and my Mom and Bro. they consoled me and encouraged me.

I felt abit better when I receive them.

But after awhile. It just eats into you. 

Again and again.

I don't want to bother them with my repeated rantings and disappointments.

That explains this whole post here.

I just need someone to talk to. But I can be such a nag.

There we go again. I feel like crying.