Browsing through some old photos and I found these.......

 

 

 

They were taken in June/July 2013. Almost 2 years ago.

 

These photos hit me hard, I've changed so much.

 

I gained so much weight, so much more cellulites, I looked more tired.

I lost the glow I use to have.

 

What have I lost?

My youth?

My drive?

My thyroid?

My happiness?

 

I SWEAR I hate to say this.

But my life has never been the same ever since I was diagnosed with Thyca.

 

From the very day the doctor told me I had a goiter (before it was confirmed cancer),

my life spiraled into a whirlwind of events accompanied by lots and lots of fear, anger, pain and tears.

 

Have you ever heard of this saying, the higher you're at, when you fall it will hurt so fucking bad.

 

I was at the peak of my life. I was adventurous and glowing.

I was on the edge of getting into the dream job that I wanted so bad and worked so hard for.

I went through ALL THE FUCKING nerve-wrecking interview stages.

 

It's still so clearly etched in my mind.

Every single round when they called out for my name I jumped in joy when I know I could proceed to the next round, I was getting closer and closer to my dream.

Up till the uniform round when they told me I've been selected to giving them my passport and bank details and filling up the application forms and briefed through about the pay and contract.

 

I was in such high spirits I told my family I was gonna bring them to eat good crabs to celebrate.

 

Not until 2 days later,

when the health medical checkup they sent me to that I discovered I had a health problem.

It turned from a 'goiter' to a lot of ultrasound scanning, to fine needle aspiration to the exact words my doctor said to me.

 

"It's cancer"

 

My life is never the same again.

 

In the end I withdrew the SIA application because they called me constantly for an update which I could not give because I have a long journey of surgeries and radiation.

 

"You can always try again"

 

I'm really sorry but I can't anymore.

I'm getting so fat and haggard and old I won't make the cut for this job anymore.

 

I have been told that I looked so much better in 2013...... It was that day I broke down because I am just so tired of everything.

I cried because I know it myself, I have eyes and I have feelings. I can see all these for myself.

 

I am sick of acting I'm healthy and okay when inside I'm just a wreck.

I feel like a walking time bomb whenever I feel sudden pain in any part of my body.

I feel ugly and disgusted.

My mind is always in a mess, I can't seem to get my thoughts clear anymore.

I'm so tired of this medication thing I have to do for the rest of my life.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I'm so tempted to double up my dosage just so I can get my metabolism higher.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My cellulites seemed to get worst day by day, I have legs of 40 year old woman.

 

I hate to get naked. Because I look like shit.

 

I won't blame my thyroid condition 100% for the state I'm in now.

My job is hell.

I have been so stressed out at work, with all the shouting and scolding I get constantly accompanied by the fear of getting shout at at work for things that wasn't my fault.

To seeing how people who get paid higher than me get to read newspaper, surf facebook, chat on phone, go for long lunch breaks, go home on time, play stock markets.

While my ass is glued to the seat in front of a computer, no, make it 2 computers when the company decided to fire my partner at work and making me take over her job.

From 4 people working to just me covering every single thing.

 

The emotional and mental stress is something too much.

They have no intention of having any of my colleague to help take some load off.

They think it's okay because I 'look like I can handle it'

 

But I'm sorry, this is too much.

 

"When are you resigning?" is the question I get very often.

I am gonna do it soon.

Just some projects I have to finish, which is kind of hard because I have so much work to do in office already. And by the time I'm home I'm just too tired to think anymore.

 

I must press on.

This will be over soon.

 

I really don't know what to do about my cellulites :(