10 years

Dear Cherry,

Yesterday was the 10th year, since you left us.

The pain is no longer as fresh but it will never go away.
I'd always remember that feeling that consumed me when Phil gave me that phone call.

The bursting into tears and heartbreak I felt.
That was the first time someone close to me passed.

I had so many thoughts, so many regrets, things that I thought I should have done differently when you were still around.

The parties we could have;
the inside jokes that we share;
the laughters we always share;
the music we loved.

And you shaking your head at all the relationships that I had.
And that last missed call you gave me before that trip.

And I never called you back because I thought it was nothing important. Who would have thought that would be the last time we can even speak to each other?
So many times I looked at my phone log, seeing your name on my missed call list.... knowing it'll never appear again.

If only.............

So many ifs.

But I also learnt to cherish important people around me, because I really don't want to live my life with regrets knowing there's so much more I could have done and didn't.

I miss you, till we meet again my fruity friend.

Wtf is a marriage? A commitment to each other that you’ll ‘be there in sickness and health till death do us apart’? Or just a piece of paper showing off to the world that someone wants you, you’re taken, to show the world you’re happy and in love

What’s the point of marriage if there’s no honesty, no understanding, no communications, no commitment, no loyalty.

This is why I never believed in marriage. Some people say I’m gonna be ‘left on the shelf’ once I turn 30 and unmarried. Lol what is marriage honestly if there are no plans to be committed no plans to be honest and just having a relationship living based on a lie.

Ya you might look happy on the outside. “Oh my Husband this my Husband that” but you come home every night to an empty house or with a man who’s mind is not even there with you even though he’s physically there

Lol or when he knows you’re out on a game of overnight mahjong then he secretly leaves home to call someone then come home for 2 mins to take his wallet etc then get on an Uber with somebody else and leaves to god knows where. And you trying to act like you’re happy then tells your Daughter “pls just let me go play mahjong and let me be happy, I want to be happy”

For fuck sake leave me alone
I have enough of this fake happy family image. Get some balls and leave this fucking idiot.

Why am I letting this get to me so much? I told myself I will ignore this is none of my business but being stuck at home and living with you two is driving me insane. Can’t wait to turn 35 and move out and let you two just deal with yourselves

It pains me to see you behave like this almost everyday,
I told myself to just let you be so you'll learn but somehow you just seemed to can't snap out of it

What can I do? I wish I could do something for you.
I want to give you my love and affection, let you know I'm there for you.
But they are only temporary reliefs...
At the end of the day, you will still want him to treat you the way you've hoped for so so many years
I wish you could see what I see,
that he's never gonna change. He will never love you.
I wish you could see - he's only staying because he needs you to feed him, clothe him, and pay for his holidays and funs.

There's nothing I can do, I feel so helpless, angry and just disappointed.
I tried not giving a fuck but I can't because you are the most important person to me in this world.

I just want you to be happy :'(

Exams in 2 days time, but I just feel like I need to vent this out.

I fucking hate dramas.
All I hope, is all of us could be transparent with one another, and not be worried/afraid to say what is exactly on our minds.
What's with all these "Please act blur, act like you don't know anything about this"
"Please don't tell him/her that I know what he/she did"

Like come on, isn't it tiring? To act like everything is okay and we all clearly know as hell that nothing is okay?

And also, why do some people like to watch the world burn? What do they get? A kick out of people's anger?

And if you're unhappy. SAY IT OUT. Don't act like you're fine and trying to fix everything but your words and tonality totally plays a different tune. I am not blind or deaf, WE ALL CAN TELL.
Stop the pretense that you are okay, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT.

I don't want to say much because I have learnt, it's best to not care anymore.

At the start of 2017, I made a resolution: To be less judgmental, spend more time with friends, make more effort, don't keep going to gym and neglect friends/family time.
And that's what I did.
What I got in return: An eye-opening experience that affirmed my beliefs in some people's characters, and also learning that, loving myself is so much more important.

Huge lesson learnt: Mind your own fucking business.

Ps. I hope she knows, that nothing can ever change my mind about her. What kind of person I think she is. I don't know what is wrong with you, but I am really hurt that you think about me this way.

"YOU'RE DEAD TO ME"

Que sera sera.

After 3 years, I finally got it done.

Kitty

.

Happen to see some old photos and saw this, I miss you so much kitty.

I still remember the very first time I met you.

I hated the house when I first moved in, because I love the previous one so much but didn't have a choice (I couldn't choose who I wanted to be my father)

But a week after moving in, you came.

You stood outside the gate, meowing nonstop till I opened the door for you.

Then you came in like you belonged here, we had no idea where you're from.

Mom asked the previous owner if they've been feeding you before but they said they've never seen you before.

You'll just sit on the floor looking at us, watch the tv, or just sleep.

Kor kor even lay open his sleeping bag for you to sleep on everytime you come because you're just so precious.

I'm sure you belong to someone because you had a collar and you were really well-fed and cleaned.

But we still bought packs and packs of food to feed you everytime you come..

Then days went on to weeks.. months.. and years...

You would come almost everyday, I can hear your bells ring when you come up the stairs.

And sometimes you would meow so loud until we opened the door!

You would sleep on the couch, on the chair, sometimes lying on me and I would try my best not to move even though it gets pretty uncomfortable... and when you start kneading on me.. it kind of hurt because of your nails but it was so cute!

My favourite moment ever, is sometimes when I come home and I see you sitting and chilling on the first floor..

And the moment you hear me opening the gate, you would sit up and run up the stairs just to catch me opening the gate and then coming in to chill...

And that bell of yours ringing when you run up :')

But as years went by, you looked more frail and seemed distant.

You'll come up and still chill but you look so tired everytime.

And the battle scars from fighting with the neighbourhood cats (because you're so territorial!) you have on your body seems to get worse as time goes by, and they don't seem to heal.

I see your owner putting medications on you but it just doesn't get better...

You started coming lesser and everytime you're here, you look so tired.

And one day, I never saw you again :'(

I hope you're doing good wherever you are..

Be it crossing the rainbow bridge or still fighting with other cats..

You've played a part in my life and made me love cats so much more.

I liked cats since I was young, but I fell in love with them ever since I met you.

That blue eyes and chatty meows...

You're also one of the reason why Kor kor decided to adopt Icing, because Icing reminds him of you :')

Never gave you a name, but you'll always be the first kitty in my life :'))

Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours to see.
Que sera, sera,
Whatever will be, will be.

Heartless.

Have I demanded alot from you?
Have I ever asked for alot of your attention, time and money?
Have I not been understanding enough?

These 4 years, people asked me if this is really what I want, because they feel that you don't seem to treat me well. They say that you are selfish and only cared about yourself.
I told them you show care and concern differently,
maybe I was just lying to myself.
Maybe I was just numbing myself from the truth, telling myself that I'm happy when I'm with you.

All I needed was your emotional support, when I'm feeling down and feel like shit.
If I'm those crazy-ass bitch that feels needy every single time, then I can totally understand its my problem.
But have I ever been like that? Do I do that all the time? I can even use the fingers on my right hand and count how many times I've done something like that for the past 4 years.

But only recently, I don't feel good (and you were part of the reason) and I needed someone.
When I came to you showing signs of cries for help, all I got were a few cold replies, den nothing.
Not even until the next day.
Where are you when I needed you?

Then next day I couldn't take your cold shoulders anymore and tried to act like I'm okay and tried talking to you.
I told you I feel neglected, like you didn't care.
And again, you showed me that you didn't care.

Then you gave me these 10 values thing and asked me to rank them.
Is this what you're going to say to me when I told you I feel neglected by you?

And after trying further to get you to comfort me, all I got were one sentence replies and you telling me you're going to bed.

You used to tell me you will want to solve any arguments we have before we end the day.
But now, you just brush me off and wants to sleep, leaving me helpless in the middle of the night with a heart full of pain.

I don't know anymore, have I wasted 4 years of my life for this?

How do you sleep peacefully when you know your loved one is in pain.
How could you?

Maybe you just don't love me anymore.

2017 so far........

Started the year at Corine and Kenneth's place for food, drinks and games!

My brother adopted a kitty at his new place, Icing! Who is very shy

Charlotte's first birthday. Xianqiang the first among us to get married & have a kid. The next day after the celebration, his wife gave birth to a second one. WTF, he never let his wife rest is it HAHHAHAHAHA

Trampoline park at some ulu place in Jurong, no air con one, hot die us.

Dinner meetup at some ulu KBBQ buffet place near Little India, cause Yiru buy from Groupon lol.

During CNY.

My cousin got married. 

Bro's 29th birthday. Thanks Shu Ting for treating us to An Ox Box's dry aged beef! Was so goooooood

My mom force me to throw the Doraemon away which my first boyfriend bought for me when I was 15. Because it turned mouldy and had a mouldy smell oops. Actually wanted to throw it 2 years ago I think, cause I had a nightmare about it. But keep dragging cause I couldn't bear to. :( Bye doraemon!

LOL. During CNY when the Nippon sales people bought them some tangerine trees and hampers and asked for a photo. I took it as a farewell photo. Heh bye! Won't miss this place and the people, and thankful for the opportunity there, to allow me to be where I am today (technically I won't be at current company if I didn't get experience here I guess, so even though this place sucks and wasted 1 year of my life, I'm still glad I got some experience)

Shin Hua's wedding! So nice to catch up with the rest of the girls! Attend wedding until blur already.

Celebrated Bong's birthday at some weird cafe!

Celebrated Yanru's birthday at some korean restaurant in Sunset Way!

CNY dinner at Bong's. Shun bian celebrate Phil's Mom birthday.

Carol's birthday! At Korean restaurant again hahahaha

SOOOO CUTEEEEEEEEEEE!

My fourth pillion in my riding life so far. LOL so stressful that time, I hardly pillion people, and she was so scared also. But we are alive! :D

Went JB with my 'JB gang' LOL. Eat and shop, and squeeze and push at custom zzzzzzzzz

CNY at Jenny's place! Loads of food and gambling. 

Finally did some trekking which we have been planning for years. Like seriously. Cause we said our weekends are always the same (Eat, watch movie, nua) due to his work schedule, and wanted to do some activities that doesn't cost $$, because normally in SG do what. Only cafe hopping, do hipster stuff and abit bo liao so... we only can think of this. Lol but Vic wasn't used to it and was super tired after that.

And some selfies. :D

Lol injured myself recently (too much bodycombat and bodypump with not enough stretching) and I couldn't stand straight. So Timx and I slowly walked to Liang Court for lunch and I was in so much pain. When I saw this I just slow in $2 for a few minutes massage. HAHAHA super pathetic. Ended up going to see a doctor for 2 days MC to be bedridden. Until now still can't train cause still super sensitive.

OK I realised I always blog when I'm studying for exams. WTH. OK BYE

Sometimes I just wish I could fly out of here,
and be free

Hello

Hello.. Haven't been updating. Was using my brother's computer to update my Singpass thingy and decided to blog abit.

Exams next Friday, followed by Bernice's wedding on Saturday.
Then following week will be my brother's wedding.

My period is coming, pimples are exploding on my face (doesn't help when I wear my full-face everyday)

Getting fat (I'm at my heaviest in my whole life now, basically old clothes don't fit anymore and yes I'm pretty depressed about it!) and broke.

Bought my bike on 17 April 2016.

Finances ain't good. Tuition stopped cause my kid moved, went Korea in January and spent $3k,
then bought my bike (had to loan quite some money from a friend) at $7,300. Then my gym membership expired and I renewed it at $2,700.

So I'm in a pretty bad financial status right now.

When exams are over, I'll start looking for delivery jobs though I already have one pending which I hope will work out after the training is done.

Practically I wiped my savings and I'm in debt now. HAHA wtf.

It's okay peiyi, just need to find other sources :3

For now, I need to mug.

Sigh-pie. Bye world. I need to work on myself

Will you ever find someone else to dance with you;

When you realised that the one you want to dance the most with;

Will never ask you for your hand?

1.

He drove to work in his newly bought car, a short while after he started working.
This wouldn't come as a surprise, as he holds the First Class Honor in his local university, in a country where paper qualifications are more important than any other quality factor a person may have.
Especially so when you want a stable job, or so they call the "iron-bowl" in the government sector.
Higher your qualifications from your local uni, higher the chance you get to climb up the ladder quick. Just go to work 8-5, drive home and the rest of the day is yours.
He's your perfect Singapore boy, studying his whole life comfortably with the support of parents without having to worry for anything else because other than getting As, what else is there to worry about? Any presents or gifts, don't worry about it, Mama will get it for you, just focus on your studies

She was waiting for the bus outside her house, preparing to tear through the pushing crowd to earn a spot on the bus, especially so when the bus does not come on time, followed by running through the hoards of slow-moving people to get to the train, then trying to catch her breath after all the running and anxiety. And praying hard the train doesn't stall for no reason, just like every other morning.
She holds just a Diploma in her local polytechnic, still pursuing her non-local degree, while trying to earn a meager sum in the day, so as to provide for herself and pay her school fees. She grabs any opportunities to work odd jobs, which means no sleep sometimes, just to earn that few extra hundred bucks.
She's the not-so-perfect Singapore girl, having to work part-time while studying in Secondary school because her Mom told her to "earn your own money if you want to buy anything". So she joined her friends to work at a factory packing cookies for Chinese New Year when she was 12, followed by working for various fast food outlets when she turned 14, earning $2.80/hour, to when she turned 21, earning $4.50/hour until she graduated from her local poly. Because her mother did not have enough money for her, because her mother had more than enough on her own plate. She did not want to be a burden to her. Because she loved her mother.

Oh yes, Perfect Singapore boy and Not-so-Perfect Singapore girl shares the same parents.

Indecisions

So today I went to Tiong Kiat's wedding and yiru, eve and wei hong asked if I want to share cab so we could share a ride back to clementi so it's easier for me to get home.

I was being indecisive because I want to save money but I also want to be home quick. In the end alvin came along and said he could share with them.

So I ended up having no one to go back with, stuck at this quiet bus stop with mosquitoes at 11.30pm wondering if the bus will ever come so I can catch my last train home. Now I might just end up getting a late night taxi home which is gonna cost me so many more times if I took up the offer.

I have only myself the blame. Lesson learnt.

LAZY PIG

OKAY today I will skip a training day and just stay at home.

JUST TODAY I PROMISE.
I will only waste a day today just slacking.

I PROMISEEEEEEE

Chanced upon my old diary I wrote when I was 15.

Saw this neoprint of us and had a flashback of how the both of us had so much in common.

going "ooo ya lo ya lo I also leh!"

You saying "I never expected you to actually like to watch English dramas cuz you look like you only like Chinese stuff"

Every Thursday we'll be watching Lost in our own home and discussing about it the very next day in school. 

How we flooded each others Friendster wall with everything from Lost to the crush I had in school to the music we both liked and 50 cents' Candy Shop. And the bird that scared us in the canteen.

All these memories felt so yesterday.

Somehow you haven't left us at all.

I miss you, geography partner. 

So.. From the previous upsetting post which I wrote....

I've finally resigned
Got down to doing the project which held me from resigning.
Had no choice but to do it after my working hours because if not I'll never have the time to do it.

All my friends thought that I'll be very free since I'm jobless.
But somehow I still feel that time slips by so fast?!

Currently I'm just living a life which is very unpopular among my peers,
because "you are suppose to be creating your portfolio at this age"

How about wanting to do things that makes me happy?
We are always in this rat race.
Everyone seemed to be following and fighting and comparing.
For now, I just want a break.

From the very moment I graduated from Poly, I've never taken a break.
Still remembered reporting to work the very next day after my final exam.
Worked from then till my next job (with 1-2 weeks break in between), and with the next job being an asshole which doesn't allow me to take my leaves because they say I go hospital too many times (dafuq)

So now, I just want to take a break and do what I like.

Please spare me from your lectures on how 'slack' you think I am.

I am trying my best to spend every minute of my time improving myself, learning new things and spending more time with people important to me which I've not done so for a very very long time.

I am not taking any money from my parents either because I saved a long time before making this decision.

Ok bye! I have no photos and nothing to update.

Many weddings coming up this year and the next. $$ flyyyyyy~~

Gonna go make myself an avocado yogurt shake now. BYE

Browsing through some old photos and I found these.......

 

 

 

They were taken in June/July 2013. Almost 2 years ago.

 

These photos hit me hard, I've changed so much.

 

I gained so much weight, so much more cellulites, I looked more tired.

I lost the glow I use to have.

 

What have I lost?

My youth?

My drive?

My thyroid?

My happiness?

 

I SWEAR I hate to say this.

But my life has never been the same ever since I was diagnosed with Thyca.

 

From the very day the doctor told me I had a goiter (before it was confirmed cancer),

my life spiraled into a whirlwind of events accompanied by lots and lots of fear, anger, pain and tears.

 

Have you ever heard of this saying, the higher you're at, when you fall it will hurt so fucking bad.

 

I was at the peak of my life. I was adventurous and glowing.

I was on the edge of getting into the dream job that I wanted so bad and worked so hard for.

I went through ALL THE FUCKING nerve-wrecking interview stages.

 

It's still so clearly etched in my mind.

Every single round when they called out for my name I jumped in joy when I know I could proceed to the next round, I was getting closer and closer to my dream.

Up till the uniform round when they told me I've been selected to giving them my passport and bank details and filling up the application forms and briefed through about the pay and contract.

 

I was in such high spirits I told my family I was gonna bring them to eat good crabs to celebrate.

 

Not until 2 days later,

when the health medical checkup they sent me to that I discovered I had a health problem.

It turned from a 'goiter' to a lot of ultrasound scanning, to fine needle aspiration to the exact words my doctor said to me.

 

"It's cancer"

 

My life is never the same again.

 

In the end I withdrew the SIA application because they called me constantly for an update which I could not give because I have a long journey of surgeries and radiation.

 

"You can always try again"

 

I'm really sorry but I can't anymore.

I'm getting so fat and haggard and old I won't make the cut for this job anymore.

 

I have been told that I looked so much better in 2013...... It was that day I broke down because I am just so tired of everything.

I cried because I know it myself, I have eyes and I have feelings. I can see all these for myself.

 

I am sick of acting I'm healthy and okay when inside I'm just a wreck.

I feel like a walking time bomb whenever I feel sudden pain in any part of my body.

I feel ugly and disgusted.

My mind is always in a mess, I can't seem to get my thoughts clear anymore.

I'm so tired of this medication thing I have to do for the rest of my life.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I'm so tempted to double up my dosage just so I can get my metabolism higher.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My cellulites seemed to get worst day by day, I have legs of 40 year old woman.

 

I hate to get naked. Because I look like shit.

 

I won't blame my thyroid condition 100% for the state I'm in now.

My job is hell.

I have been so stressed out at work, with all the shouting and scolding I get constantly accompanied by the fear of getting shout at at work for things that wasn't my fault.

To seeing how people who get paid higher than me get to read newspaper, surf facebook, chat on phone, go for long lunch breaks, go home on time, play stock markets.

While my ass is glued to the seat in front of a computer, no, make it 2 computers when the company decided to fire my partner at work and making me take over her job.

From 4 people working to just me covering every single thing.

 

The emotional and mental stress is something too much.

They have no intention of having any of my colleague to help take some load off.

They think it's okay because I 'look like I can handle it'

 

But I'm sorry, this is too much.

 

"When are you resigning?" is the question I get very often.

I am gonna do it soon.

Just some projects I have to finish, which is kind of hard because I have so much work to do in office already. And by the time I'm home I'm just too tired to think anymore.

 

I must press on.

This will be over soon.

 

I really don't know what to do about my cellulites :(

 

 

Feels like giving up sometimes.
I want to run away.

Stress

Yeap you got that right.

The time has come and it is time for my exams again. I am in the office now and I'm suppose to study but I am doing ANYTHING but that.

Suddenly felt like giving up and just skip the exam, but I know I have to finish what I started.
Lost my motivation, maybe I'm just running away.

Craving for hot fudge sundae from Mac since last night, but I manage to kick the temptation away,
will it come after me again tonight and I have to fight against it again?

Reduced my training by more than half because I spend the time studying in library.

Anyway I just celebrated my 25th birthday a week ago. Time flies and I am already an adult!
When I was younger, I looked forward to receiving presents and having many exciting celebrations.
Maybe I'm old now,
but just seeing your friends making time to come out and have a meal to celebrate your birthday is more than enough for me, especially so after I found out how disappointed I was when some close friends didn't turn up.

Have so many things planned for 2015,
I am excited for it yet I'm dragging now cause of my freaking exam.
Have to keep telling myself to get it over and done with!

Don't feel very good cause I feel out of shape and weak and restless and tired because I haven't trained as much as I would like to.

Ok I really need to get back to studying.
Let me post a selfie of myself. Realised I haven't been posting photos onto my blog.

1. Lazy
2. I'm not as photogenic as I was before. LOL

Just found out this beauty mode from my S5.
SERIOUSLYYYYY made me look slimmer, now I know why do bloggers or social media users look SO nice in some photos it looked unreal.

And after a few encounters, I have definitely concluded that YOU CAN NEVER BELIEVE WHAT YOU SEE ONLINE.

Okay back to my books.
Oh my hair looks funneh