Feelings

Been feeling very down these few days, have totally no idea what is causing me to feel this way.
Nothing bad happened to me but I just can't help it but feel so upset.

I miss mommy, even though I see her everyday but just felt that we haven't been spending quality time with each other for quite awhile. and everytime I reach home she's always asleep, and the next day when I wake up she's either working or still sleeping. I miss her cooking and making a cup of hot milo for me before I go out for work/tuition in the morning. I want to bring her out to town and looked at the city of Singapore now, but I don't have the time and her legs are not good to tolerate walking too much.

I miss my poly friends, I miss those days when we just hang out and do nothing cause we were broke. All the jokes and laughters and crazy things we did. Now everyone is so busy, with their NS, school and for me, I think I'm one of the busiest person ever too :/

Well, in conclusion, I miss my life as a carefree teenager.

I hate the job I'm having now, I hate all the rushing to school after work and always having bread or Macdonalds as dinner only. I hate being so lazy to pack my room cause when I'm home all I wanna do is rest and stone in my room.

I hate being an adult. I hate to have to plan for my future, I hate to realise that time is running out for people i love especially my parents and uncle because they're getting old.

I'm scared to know what my future is like. Would I be able to get my accounting degree and get a well paying job to support my family? Would I ever find my Mr. Right? Would I have a happy family? How am I gonna handle it if my parents leave me?

Sometimes, living a life is such a chore.
Told myself to look forward and that good things will happen.
But I'm tired.

Maybe all I need is just a little break, a getaway.

Dear Scottie....

Please take care of Phil, daryl, huizhen, and your daddy and mommy from heavens above..

Free from pains and sufferings,
And with no sickness anymore.

And bless especially Minnie that she can bring enough comfort to them while you're gone.. And that she'll be strong too.

Hope you like the dove chocolates I got for you too,
I know you like chocolates

Xoxo.

1st post from iPhone!

Woah! I didn't know you can blog from iPhone using blogger official app now, used to use an app to blog from iPhone, but it was so not user-friendly.
Bah.

Life has been so busy I feel I'm getting old. Soon I'm turning 23?! Feels like I just celebrated my 21st birthday -_-"

Okay anyway just testing out this app. Just got home from school and I'm
Really tired

Nights!

Posted a photo of me and Phil just to test LOL

Thoughts...

I don't know if I did the right thing.
But is there even a right or wrong in this situation?

One day, just that one fine day, it could be my medicine making me cranky,
I just decided to lash at you,
for not replying my birthday wish,
and not replying my message when I missed you.

Well, maybe I did the right thing, because the response you gave me just slapped me real hard in the face and woke me up, from this delusion that I've been living in that you still miss me.

I finally see the truth, I am no one to you.
Who am I to think that you'd still miss me?

Felicia is right, I should just let go a long time ago,
why am I still keeping my hopes up and torture myself?
Even she agreed that you wouldn't even bothered to explain yourself when I confronted you. This just proved everything.

From then on, I have decided,
to just let it all go. All these while, it has just been me playing mind games with myself.
Can't help but laugh and shake my head now. Tsk.

I guess you're trying to be like your brother, #justsaying.
But I hope you don't get all these stuffs into your head so much you'll be an ass.
May you succeed in whichever things you want to accomplish in this lifetime, and don't give up easily on things that are worth the pain.

Well, I didn't worth the pain so yeah.

Hopefully after this post there'll be no more stuffs about you anymore.
I need to move on,
and strive to achieve great things in life too.

Found a quote which said something like this -
"Sometimes when you give up on someone, it’s not because you don’t care anymore but because you realize they don’t"

Okay sleepytime. Good night

Dreams

I know I'm not suppose to talk about this anymore because I promised myself a brand new life.
But this dream just put me into another emotional ride once again.

I dreamt of us.
I dreamt of you, standing infront of me while I tried my best to shift my focus and acted like I didn't see you because I didn't know how to react,
and I didn't dare to look into your eyes.
But the strange thing is, I was sitting there and I did not move.
Then you were with your best friend, it's strange I've never met him in real life before but he was just there, beside you. Maybe it's the photo I've seen him that's why.
Then suddenly you just walked over and you grabbed my shoulders, I finally looked into your eyes and tears started forming around mine. You started crying too.
I asked you what do you want?
Then you told me, "I want you back."
Your best friend said, "WHAT?! NO!!"
But you just asked him to stay one side and we just hugged and cried together.
I didn't even bother asking why would you want to come back anymore,
I was just glad you came back to me.

It felt SO real I even asked myself if I was dreaming when I was inside that dream.
The happiness felt so real, I couldn't even believe it was THAT real at that time.
Then my alarm rang, my mind start going into trance,
am I dreaming? But why do I feel so real?
I was shifting in between the mode from dream to finally waking up.

When I opened my eyes, I lied on my bed,
still half dipped in my dreams.
I see myself in my bedroom,
but I still felt what happened in my dreams were so real.
After 10 minutes,
my head was cleared, this was nothing but a dream.

Normally I would never remember dreams so clearly,
but this dream...
it just kept replaying in my mind till now.

Couldn't help it but blogged this down, because I need a channel to vent how I feel.
This frustration, sadness, emptiness after you left.

It's been almost a year,
I don't shed so much tears like how I used to anymore.
But that emptiness in my heart is constantly there,
and my memories of us still haunts me everytime.

I miss you, chihkye.

Sundown!

Yay! I've registered for 21KM for the Sundown marathon event with Ady :D
Hopefully I can complete it in time!
I'm so nervous about it as I've been having pain at my right shin and ankle recently when I jog, especially at the shin.
Maybe I should take a break from exercising so vigorously everytime,
but I gained so much weight during CNY and it's so obvious many people are telling me that I've put on weight :(

On a sidenote, I've finished "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" novel! OMG it's just so freaking awesome.
Haven't watch the movie though, wanted to watch it but no more already :(
I only found the Swedish version online.

Had my usual kickboxing session today with Phil,
was thinking of joining Muay Thai on Sunday @ Clementi C.C with Yiru, but Augustine was telling me it will make me have bigger thighs -___-
Howzzzzzz?
Anyway I have to see my schedule as I might clash it with my school too.

Lili was telling me at lunch today that I'm always making myself busy everyday,
seriously why?
I guess after April 2011, I'm doing all sort of things to make myself busy and just forget what happened, even up till now I am afraid of thinking about it because I feel like something inside me just squirms around and I feel very upset & uncomfortable.

How are you? I hope you're doing fine and well...
Sending my misses to you,
as if you actually still remember me...
But still it's alright, be happy wherever you are :')

Brand new blog, brand new year & a brand new life.

Hi guys!
Or... Hi diary (don't think anyone still read my rants anymore LOL)! Been long since I came here!
But I was pretty shocked when I realised some of you still come to my blog because you guys told me :p



Anyway, I've decided to keep my previous posts private as they were all memories I decided to keep away from others and keep them to myself,
especially what happened in 2011, so much pain & hardship I don't want to look back anymore.



It's a brand new year! Let's see if I fulfilled any of my resolutions I set in 2011.


1) Lose weight -
Yeah I did lost quite abit of weight! Yay! Like maybe around 4kg? Might be a small number but it matters alot to me. I've used all kinds of method to lose weight previously, from eating pills to having meal replacement (yucks!), those methods DID work, but it's only short-term. Once I stopped them, especially the meal replacements, I was deprived of REAL FOOD and started binging and gained back all the weight.

So I turned to exercise! I only started exercising in May 2011, mainly because I needed to get some peace from all the chaos I had in my life at that point of time, you know... that particular heartbreak which almost crashed me in April.

I started jogging, swimming and taking up kickboxing in November with my best friend!
Actually I lost 6kg, but I gained 2kg back because I started eating like a pig again :(

2) Have braces -
Finally had my braces done in May 2011! Always wanted to do it but has got no money, so yeah! I want straight teeeeeeeeeeeeeth!

3) Run a marathon ! -
Sad to say, didn't do it :( My furthest is 10KM but that's my personal training, didn't have confident to even run a half marathon, so yeahhhhhh D:

Yeah at least fulfilled like 2/3 of it?

2011 had been a hella rocky year for me.
1) Lost my closest aunt and cousin.
2) The person I thought I'll be with forever just left me heartbroken and alone to pick up all the pieces myself.

I'm glad through this I knew who are my true friends, the ones who were there for me and constantly asking me if I'm fine and everything... I'm just so blessed to have them in my life.

& I've learnt how to be contented with my life.
So....
Fuck all those who judge me and thinks I'm a bad influence and a bad girl. I don't care what you think.

Once in awhile, I'll always remind myself to love and care for those who loves and cares for me. And stop giving a fuck to people who don't bother about me.
Get what I mean?
In life, we always care for those who ignores us and ignores those who cares for us.
So I will keep this in mind!

So my resolution for 2012....!

1) Continue to lose weight! -
Another 8 more kgs! It's hard work!

2) Run at least a half marathon!

3) Pass at least 4 papers of my ACCA course

4) Get a new job as an account assistant

Update soon. Lazy already :D

xoxo.