Indecisions

So today I went to Tiong Kiat's wedding and yiru, eve and wei hong asked if I want to share cab so we could share a ride back to clementi so it's easier for me to get home.

I was being indecisive because I want to save money but I also want to be home quick. In the end alvin came along and said he could share with them.

So I ended up having no one to go back with, stuck at this quiet bus stop with mosquitoes at 11.30pm wondering if the bus will ever come so I can catch my last train home. Now I might just end up getting a late night taxi home which is gonna cost me so many more times if I took up the offer.

I have only myself the blame. Lesson learnt.

LAZY PIG

OKAY today I will skip a training day and just stay at home.

JUST TODAY I PROMISE.
I will only waste a day today just slacking.

I PROMISEEEEEEE

Chanced upon my old diary I wrote when I was 15.

Saw this neoprint of us and had a flashback of how the both of us had so much in common.

going "ooo ya lo ya lo I also leh!"

You saying "I never expected you to actually like to watch English dramas cuz you look like you only like Chinese stuff"

Every Thursday we'll be watching Lost in our own home and discussing about it the very next day in school. 

How we flooded each others Friendster wall with everything from Lost to the crush I had in school to the music we both liked and 50 cents' Candy Shop. And the bird that scared us in the canteen.

All these memories felt so yesterday.

Somehow you haven't left us at all.

I miss you, geography partner. 

So.. From the previous upsetting post which I wrote....

I've finally resigned
Got down to doing the project which held me from resigning.
Had no choice but to do it after my working hours because if not I'll never have the time to do it.

All my friends thought that I'll be very free since I'm jobless.
But somehow I still feel that time slips by so fast?!

Currently I'm just living a life which is very unpopular among my peers,
because "you are suppose to be creating your portfolio at this age"

How about wanting to do things that makes me happy?
We are always in this rat race.
Everyone seemed to be following and fighting and comparing.
For now, I just want a break.

From the very moment I graduated from Poly, I've never taken a break.
Still remembered reporting to work the very next day after my final exam.
Worked from then till my next job (with 1-2 weeks break in between), and with the next job being an asshole which doesn't allow me to take my leaves because they say I go hospital too many times (dafuq)

So now, I just want to take a break and do what I like.

Please spare me from your lectures on how 'slack' you think I am.

I am trying my best to spend every minute of my time improving myself, learning new things and spending more time with people important to me which I've not done so for a very very long time.

I am not taking any money from my parents either because I saved a long time before making this decision.

Ok bye! I have no photos and nothing to update.

Many weddings coming up this year and the next. $$ flyyyyyy~~

Gonna go make myself an avocado yogurt shake now. BYE

Browsing through some old photos and I found these.......

 

 

 

They were taken in June/July 2013. Almost 2 years ago.

 

These photos hit me hard, I've changed so much.

 

I gained so much weight, so much more cellulites, I looked more tired.

I lost the glow I use to have.

 

What have I lost?

My youth?

My drive?

My thyroid?

My happiness?

 

I SWEAR I hate to say this.

But my life has never been the same ever since I was diagnosed with Thyca.

 

From the very day the doctor told me I had a goiter (before it was confirmed cancer),

my life spiraled into a whirlwind of events accompanied by lots and lots of fear, anger, pain and tears.

 

Have you ever heard of this saying, the higher you're at, when you fall it will hurt so fucking bad.

 

I was at the peak of my life. I was adventurous and glowing.

I was on the edge of getting into the dream job that I wanted so bad and worked so hard for.

I went through ALL THE FUCKING nerve-wrecking interview stages.

 

It's still so clearly etched in my mind.

Every single round when they called out for my name I jumped in joy when I know I could proceed to the next round, I was getting closer and closer to my dream.

Up till the uniform round when they told me I've been selected to giving them my passport and bank details and filling up the application forms and briefed through about the pay and contract.

 

I was in such high spirits I told my family I was gonna bring them to eat good crabs to celebrate.

 

Not until 2 days later,

when the health medical checkup they sent me to that I discovered I had a health problem.

It turned from a 'goiter' to a lot of ultrasound scanning, to fine needle aspiration to the exact words my doctor said to me.

 

"It's cancer"

 

My life is never the same again.

 

In the end I withdrew the SIA application because they called me constantly for an update which I could not give because I have a long journey of surgeries and radiation.

 

"You can always try again"

 

I'm really sorry but I can't anymore.

I'm getting so fat and haggard and old I won't make the cut for this job anymore.

 

I have been told that I looked so much better in 2013...... It was that day I broke down because I am just so tired of everything.

I cried because I know it myself, I have eyes and I have feelings. I can see all these for myself.

 

I am sick of acting I'm healthy and okay when inside I'm just a wreck.

I feel like a walking time bomb whenever I feel sudden pain in any part of my body.

I feel ugly and disgusted.

My mind is always in a mess, I can't seem to get my thoughts clear anymore.

I'm so tired of this medication thing I have to do for the rest of my life.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I'm so tempted to double up my dosage just so I can get my metabolism higher.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My cellulites seemed to get worst day by day, I have legs of 40 year old woman.

 

I hate to get naked. Because I look like shit.

 

I won't blame my thyroid condition 100% for the state I'm in now.

My job is hell.

I have been so stressed out at work, with all the shouting and scolding I get constantly accompanied by the fear of getting shout at at work for things that wasn't my fault.

To seeing how people who get paid higher than me get to read newspaper, surf facebook, chat on phone, go for long lunch breaks, go home on time, play stock markets.

While my ass is glued to the seat in front of a computer, no, make it 2 computers when the company decided to fire my partner at work and making me take over her job.

From 4 people working to just me covering every single thing.

 

The emotional and mental stress is something too much.

They have no intention of having any of my colleague to help take some load off.

They think it's okay because I 'look like I can handle it'

 

But I'm sorry, this is too much.

 

"When are you resigning?" is the question I get very often.

I am gonna do it soon.

Just some projects I have to finish, which is kind of hard because I have so much work to do in office already. And by the time I'm home I'm just too tired to think anymore.

 

I must press on.

This will be over soon.

 

I really don't know what to do about my cellulites :(

 

 

Feels like giving up sometimes.
I want to run away.