PMS

PMS - Pre-Menstrual syndrome.

Is there a Post-menstrual syndrome?

I've been thinking alot these 2 days.

Like ALOT. 

Sometimes ill just stare into space when I'm on the train to/back from work.

Then I feel so wrecked inside.

Like my life's a total mess, me being a total mess.

Then the self esteem drops, and I feel lousy all over again.

The only way I could stop thinking is when I'm in a workout or when I'm binging in my favorite food.

Shall go for my Plyometric workout now and prepare for my kickboxing tomorrow.

Over thinking kills.

After almost 24 years on this planet...

On Saturday, I treated my brother to Macdonald's for lunch after my tuition and we had a long chat (probably 2 hours plus?) talking about our lives and many other stuffs.

And he told me about having the determination to want to do something because I was telling him of my dream job and how I got rejected at the interview and I'm afraid to go for it again.

If you really really want something, just go all the way, do whatever it takes to get it and never give up trying.

I was starting to have doubts about myself after that interview.

Am I able to do it? Can I ever make it? I don't think I have what they are looking for.

I almost wanted to stop trying because I don't think I can ever make it, seriously.

I'm fat, and I am not that pretty. I don't have a sharp face, I have a square face, and I have people who tells me I am just not cut out for it.

But who are they to judge me? I just feel, the more they looked down on me, I want to do it more.

I will prove to you I can make it.

Here I am, determined to do it once again.

I have lots of work to do. I need to lose weight and take much more care of how I look now.

It's not easy, I'm a lazy person. But the words my brother told me always comes up when I don't feel like doing anything, eg. working out.

I've seen how he succeeded in what he wanted to do. I wish I could succeed in what I want to do too. 

And also, I got to know him better through that lunch I think :) Was telling him how Mom and I felt about him cause he seemed distant to us sometimes, then he explained why. And I know he actually cares for me, especially the guys I date. GEEZ. I should really start listening to my friends and family when they advise me about the guys I date. I love to take matters into my own hands and well, we all know the results. I'm a HUGE failure in relationship.

Recently, I've started to open up and listened to how people think about my love life. And I seriously need to reflect. But I ain't got time to think about that now, shall leave it to next time.

I don't want to get into a wrong relationship ANYMORE. I really really want my next one to be the RIGHT ONE. I am not going to jump into it. Gone were those days when you get 'swept off the feet'. DUH. Time to be realistic. Or maybe I should just listen to my Mom, & not get married. I can imagine myself being a Cat Lady, with 8 cats staying with me alone at home LOL. 

Okay no more love. Not now.

So... I've been back to my shopping craze after 1 month (so short-lived) of not shopping. And I've been trying to hide from my Mom about it because she'll just go crazy at the amount of clothes I have in my room. Alot of them still in the wrapper cause I have no more hangers and I have no place to fold them and put anywhere. And also, not to mention, they are all not worn yet.

Thats the problem with me: I don't have a good fashion taste, I am not good in mixing and matching so I just keep buying because I felt the old ones I had are not enough for me to mix and match. And everytime I think I look fat in them.

Maybe I should really just keep losing weight, so things will fall into place?

So.. I was online blog-hopping when I saw this girl wearing this Love Bonito's Olivia Maxi Dress.

When I first saw it online, I thought I'd never like this kind of dress cause it's abit revealing. But when I saw her wearing it (she used to be quite fat but she lost so much weight through gymming and healthy eating) I was blown away. It was soooo pretty and I thought since I lost some weight I could rock in this dress too.

Boy was I pretty wrong. The waist looks fine but the problem is my lower body. GRRRR. My butt looked big. Though Phil said I am too sensitive (She always think I am over-reacting), but that butt and hips better watch it. Sighs. I don't know how Kim Kardashian rocked her figure looking like that, I guess our confidence level are totally at different ends of the earth. Bottom heavy people. SIGHS!

Oh another rant. I was hunting this dress down and I manage to find it from a girl who sold it to me for $33 ! And it's not new, it furred abit cause its made of cotton. Then 2 weeks later, Love Bonito relaunched the item at $29. I really wanted to stab myself. SIGHS. :(

And also! I went to KissJane and tried on this Good Girl Flare Skirt from The Tinsel Rack. It was in size L and it was pretty lose so I went home and ordered a size M. Then! It became so tight it's like I couldn't breath. Whats with my body and all the measurements HAHAHA. Sad lo. I even bought it in Mint! :( Need to lose more..........

And... I've spent alot on The Tinsel Rack items, their items are too nice to resist! It's totally my style. If only I can be petite. I don't really fancy being the height and size I'm at. I think I'm too manly :(

HEHE and this one too. From TTR, Tangled Back Chiffon top. It's so nice! But the armhole is so tight I looked like I'm bursting from it like a HULK. And also, I really don't like my shoulders, too broad (from all the swimming =( !) I had a dress from TVD which was scoop-back. It looked so nice at the front, but the back makes me look like a man. Zzzz woes of a big sized girl, you can never bring out the sweet/cute look :(

Anyway posting these photos are used to remind me that I have more than enough clothes to last me for a year. I need to cut away this bad habit of shopping, I rather give the money to Mommy. But they just keep coming up with pretty items. 

This has got to stop!

Actually there's many things in life I need to stop doing.

Shall leave it for next time.

Okay end of this long and meaningless post.

On a healthy note, I heard of this Korean Mom, who's really an inspiration. Damn she's so HOT!
So I downloaded the set of videos she came up with, called FigureRobics.
It's a low impact exercise which focuses more on toning, but they still give you a good burn at the end of the day! Its pretty irritating with their counting in Korean language and I don't understand what she's saying at all, but the moves are pretty easy to follow.
At first when I saw it, I'm like "this looks easy, don't think it'll do much as compared to Insanity"
But boy was I so wrong, I found myself groaning in pain and soreness after 20 mins into the workout (the workout is 30 mins), and I got breathless too!
Amazing shit.
Maybe I should do this when I don't feel like doing Insanity. Afterall Insanity requires like 100X more motivation to get me to push that PLAY button.

JIAYOU PEIYI! I CAN DO IT! Photo taken after one of her workouts. Still looking energetic even though was sweating. Hair's still in place.
You don't want to see a photo of me after Insanity. HAHA!

Okay really end of post. Goodbye blog.
See you again.

XX

Memories

Hopped over to my old blog to read up my posts when I was young. And itchy-hands me went to click on the posts from where I met him to how we broke up. and all my feelings.
They were so raw, somehow I can still feel how I felt. Maybe the hurt never went away all these time.
Which resulted in me not being able to put in 100% for a relationship (and also with the constant reminder from Mom never to give your all), and end up hurting a good guy.

Should never have jumped into it without considering other factors.
I'm such an idiot,  a loser, a pathetic woman.

I hate myself.
I can't even give an exact word of how I'm feeling now.

I feel like shutting myself from this world, from everyone.
Sounds like a good idea, Peiyi.

I'm sorry.

I walked past the orange juice vending machine today outside Funan mall during lunch time and saw a lady holding that small cup which cost $3 and immediately thought of you complaining to me that time saying you didn't know it was such a small cup and felt cheated.

I actually smiled.

Then I felt sad right after because I realized we are no longer what we used to be.

I started looking at our photos and all the things we did flashed back so quickly,

I can't help it but tears just started to form around my eyes.

I just want to say, I'm really sorry.

You have been wonderful.

You placed me in the center of your life, your world revolved almost around just me.

You tried to give me your best, you tried to give me whatever you have. Be it time or money.

Just everything.

You received your $80 vouchers from SAF and the first thing you thought of was to bring me to go have a good meal at Social Sin.

You try to fork out everything if it was ever in your capabilities.

You don't even buy stuff for yourself, wearing the same old tops, same old bottoms.

Even your slippers you just wore anyone you bought from Yew Tee.

You're a really great boyfriend.

But I think the problem lies with me.

I don't think I can ever trust someone with my feelings 100% anymore.

I just wanted to love myself more. Do whatever I want.

I want to party without making anyone upset, I want to spend all my time on myself.

I want to do things without thinking of any consequences.

I am a selfish girlfriend.

I don't deserve your love and time.

I am the worst of the worse.

I can't accept your flaws but I wanted you to accept mine.

Now you have decided to give up.

Your love turned into hatred.

I'm sorry for everything,

please forgive me.

Thank you for these 13months and I truly believe you deserve someone better,

someone so much better.

I don't deserve any love from you.

I believe you'll be better off without me.

May babies

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITCH! Love ya :D

First up!

Winson's 23rd birthday at Dempsy. Can't remember the name of the restaurant. I only knew that it's so difficult to get around that area without a car! Almost fainted under the hot sun trying to locate a place to eat. The food was not bad, but the weather made me so uncomfortable I kind of lost appetite there. Cakes not very nice also :( But I think I still ate alot leh hehe :p

Then we went to Bugis for the Star Trek movie. 

Gosh it's been damn long since I watched a movie. Been too busy. I want to watch Hangover 3 and Fast and Furious :( Guess it's time to make a trip down to the theatre myself soon. Use to watch movie alone and I find it quite nice, though my friends think I'm crazy. 

Next next next! GAN POH HONG'S 25TH BIRTHDAY!

Haiyo all getting so old already. Can't believe we all knew each other for more than 10 years already!

From young and innocent to.......... LOL!

We all have changed so much, but am so glad our friendship never changed/distanced. All of us are so busy with our lives now but whenever we get together, nothing has changed :)

ANDDDD our Miss Gan's boyfriend had already proposed! Of course say yes la house also buy already hehe. She's gonna be my first good friend who gets married! So excited :DDDD

Anyway we went to Xiaobai's new workplace - Eat.Play.Love to celebrate! It's a casual dining restaurant which has handicrafts for diners who are interested in them. Means you can have a meal there or do some crafts.
It's quite popular with families as the parents can bring their kids there to do crafts while they have a meal there. The menu varieties are quite limited, but their Thai food are pretty good! I had a basil chicken rice I think? And a mango freeze. ZOMG the mangoes are uber fresh! Feel like having one now ~_~ Everyone agreed with me too :D

Waiter Xiaobai!

Love the restaurant. It's very cosy :))

I don't remember what's the name of it! But this is some amazing stuff! You take this film of plastic-looking thing and you draw on it. After you're done you just put them in an oven and it becomes 3D acrylic! But have to draw the image big enough because it will shrink. Ahxian had such a fun time looking at the thing transforming. HAHA it's damn cute xD Some of them drew theirs too small so we couldn't do anything about it :( Actually we planned to make bracelets! So each of us draw something for each other then we put them together on a bracelet. One of a kind! Shall take a photo of it soon.

Love it cause it's for our friendship :)

Group photo before we call it a day

Last but not least my bro's 25th birthday! Always a simple affair every year. Birthday cake with song at 12am, then a dinner with the relatives.

Okay gay enough thanks.

Happy birthday Kor Kor :) My first friend though we fight like no tomorrow when we were much younger. Until now the fights we had still make us laugh whenever we talk about it.

Congrats on getting wonderful results and I believe you'll get married before me LOL.

Sometimes although I feel you don't give a damn about me, I believe you still care for me as a brother.

I hope I'm not too optimistic! 

Please treat me better when you get your job :D

Lost

Maybe it's just never meant to be. 

I don't even remember how many times you said you regretted your decision to be with me.

I looked at Gingy and thought of our sweet memories. But things have turned out this way.

Yes I was a real shitty girlfriend back then because I became very protective of myself because of what Chihkye did to me. I want to love myself more because I don't want to allow myself to be in a spot of losing myself cause of a relationship, I want to be strong.

All my actions took a toll on you and when I decide to change, you have already given up.

So many things, you just kept to yourself, and only bursting all out when you decide to let go. We didn't have proper communication at all. Which led to the breakdown of this relationship.

I guess it's better for you. 

Sorry for everything. You deserve someone better.

I am truly undeserving of your love, time and effort.

I will take care of Ted, Gingy and the 2 pandas who are still wrapped In the bag because you don't allow me to take them out as they'll be dirty.

I guess it's just fate. 

Maybe we just met at the wrong time.

Injured, fat, rants

Just want to rant since I guess no one really come in and read anyway. Don't wanna tweet or write on fb cause I don't want that attention or something.

I'm so upset with myself these few days. Hurt my knees from my 21km run last Friday at sundown, and haven't been exercising since. A week before the run I also stopped exercising as I needed to let my body rest before the run, didn't knew I would hurt myself and after that I can't do anymore cardio. I went swimming 3 days later and couldn't even do breaststroke cause my knees hurt when I kick, ended up doing my half-standard freestyle for only 20laps I think. And kickboxing yesterday was another disappointment, didn't want to aggravate my knees further though it has recovered quite abit. So I was quite slack during the workouts and didn't feel as tired as I normally would cause I know I didn't push myself hard enough. 

Not to mention, of course, no more doing of insanity (which I had great results from) cause it requires a lot of jumping which is very bad for knees.

And my diet has been reallllly bad. I've been snacking on chips and chocs (especially) every time. Worst still I crave for fried/processed food every time as my exams is around the corner so I would keep munching on them when I'm studying. Drinking wise I'm still fine, still sticking to plain water and my green tea (tea bags one). Just the food I really can't. I tried to eat clean like making my own wraps for lunch (plain boiled chicken breast/thighs, lettuce, tomatoes, blueberries, grapes, corns, cheese) and having only wholemeal bread (with peanut butter or ham :/) but I still crave or cookies/cakes/biscuits! I know it's okay to give in to your temptations sometimes, but I think I've been giving in too much.

My tummy is still showing and my arms, legs and calves are so huge. And my butt is so loose omg I really hate myself being like this. Yiru suggests we go gym because it really works? But problem is I hate the gym. So many people, I hate to waste my time idling around waiting for the machine to be available, and I don't want to do the wrong exercise (like last time which made my calves so big).

Sighs. 

Okay this is random but I need to go have dinner and study for my exams on Monday. Bye bloggie

Photos taken today. Look at all the stubborn fats that refuse To go away.

It took me a lot of courage to post this on a blog, I have very low self esteem when it comes to my figure. Most of my friends are skinny and my guy friends are always saying I'm fat. But I want to post this to remind myself I need to stop looking like that. I'm gonna give myself till my birthday to lose more (6kgs?) and get into the shape I want. Bye fatty

MARCH COMPANY TRIP - BATAM TURI BEACH RESORT

Aights, photos from the trip. Nothing much cause the beach is quite dirty. 

Ara, me and Salina 

Our room has this balcony that faces right at the beach. Don't be fooled by the photo, the beach is pretty dirty with tons of seaweeds :/ These shots are like those advertisements whereby they take such clear-looking waters and trick consumers I think :x But it's a very relaxing place, though housekeeping is really not up to standard, the chairs had stains and we have to clean before sitting down. Ara was my roommate and we both would sit there and chat and enjoy the sea breeze and waves :D

Bored. Waiting for their "games" to start. Bed also got stain. Sighs.

LOL our 'old-school' pose. Buddy Buddy eh.

Dinner party was themed "School Days". Most people wear uniforms (real uniforms or act jap school girl uniforms LOL), some just a tee shirt that says "NUS". Wanted to like just wear school tee (My mom threw my school uniform away!!) but the management say not allowed. Bluff one. So I just wore a sweater and skater skirt. Plaited my hair and with a geek specs. Not gonna spend money on such stuff like Salina who goes all the way to Bugis street to buy the 'costumes' Heh.

My company. It was an invite by a company we were working with, so we don't know the people there. Just go cause it's free? LOL

Failed shots. Tryna get a good shot with the very pretty background. Sighs

Was bored after checkout waiting for the assembly time to be up before we head back. So we walked to like this half-done jetty to take a look. The sea there's like so much nicer. But the jetty was under construction so we could only take pics here. The wind was SO damn strong my tee shirt looks so bloated with all the air rushing into it I looked like I got big tummy.

Home Sweet Homed. I love my room. Very cosy, but a little bit too messy. With all the dust, clothes and plastic bags. Need to do spring cleaning soon!