Who am I

I am a flower quickly fading,

Here today and gone tomorrow,

A wave tossed in the ocean, 

A vapor in the wind.

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" Everyone knows they're going to die but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently. " - Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie.

We always say "life is fragile, treasure the one / everything you love before its too late"  but just how many of us really grasp the meaning of it, feeling it.

It happens, most commonly when someone important to you passes on.

Or when you are struck with an illness, curable or not, but one which might just kill you.

Many things happened to me, which most of my close friends would know. So I'm just feeling pretty much affected and many thoughts are running in my mind in the middle of the night.

Just some silly ramblings from a crazy girl.

I should sleep soon.

Good night world. 

P.S - to the person who hoped my operation fail, I'm sorry. Sorry for you. I don't blame your anger and hatred towards me, but maybe it's better if you let this bitterness go. And you will feel like a happier person.

Dear diary....

1 more day to the op.
I am so scared, of so many things..

The loneliness of lying on the operating bed with all the doctors and nurses whom you don't know,
the needles poking into you..
The feeling of being put to deep sleep..
Not knowing if you will wake up from it ever again...
The pain of the stitch, if you wake up.
The results....

I trembled in fear as I typed this post.

Today I took a good look at the sky while in the train and actually treasured the moment to know that I am still well and alive now.
That bright blue sky with the bright white clouds...
Funny huh?
We always tend to cherish things more when we know we might just lose it.

This might be a small operation, this might be not.
I have people telling me "just a small operation"

But I'm just so scared,
of not being to have all I have now again.

Maybe after my operation, when I come back to this post,
I'll just laugh at myself for being such a worrywart.

Buck up

Things haven't been great.

But I'm thankful for everyone who took out their time to be with me.

Making trips to hospital with me,

Bringing me to alternative options, hoping they would benefit me though we still were left with the one and only choice in the end.

Worrying about the costs of the operation.

Making plans to surprise me and come my place to visit me.

Just the company, is all I need.

I can't imagine how I would be like 5 days from now.

I just hope I can make it.

I just hope I can feel normal again.

I've not done what I've been doing for a long time.

Working out, and excited to always find healthy recipe online. I haven't even tried my new food processor.

Maybe it's just an excuse for me to be lazy. 

No.

I'm left with 5 days before the op. I must work my way up again.

I cannot be defeated.

What people say when they're in bad times, or more uncommonly, good times.

Everything bad, will be over, just hang on.

Everything good, will be over too, so treasure it.

What about now for me?

Will this just pass by after a period of time?

Or would it just stick to me, for the rest of my life?

This illness might stick with me for the rest of my life,

or should I say, I would never be the same old healthy me again, when something in you just get cut out like this.

All the follow ups and tests that follows, danger of relapsing.

My life will never be the same or how I wished for it to be anymore.

The only thing I can change, is my attitude. 

To everything that happened.

My mind is not strong enough, yet.

But I will do better, I promise.

I stood in the train and looked at everyone around me.
Everyone, hustling and bustling around the station rushing to work, rushing home, students enjoying their holidays going out in groups and laughing among themselves.

Everyone just going about doing their things, moving on with their lives.

While I stood here, with an empty heart, lost, not knowing what to do.
Confused, choices to be made, doctors to be seen, tests to be done.
Thinking of all the "whys" you could ever imagine.
Swallowing without not noticing that lump that starts to make me uncomfortable.
Touching it and controlling my tears to let them dry before they can fall.

When Dr says it's a 'friendly' cancer, I totally believed him, I mean, doctors are professionals, they've seen so many cases, won't be wrong, right?
I just have to
Remove the right lobe, if it spreads, remove the left too.
Then be on medications my whole life.
Not life threatening, not going to kill me, not going to affect my life expectancy.
Sound great! Isn't it?
So I spent my week hanging out with people I love, laughing with them over silly things, pushing this problem to the back of my mind. Afterall, it's that simple, I'll be fine!

Not when I started to do my own research then I found out all the complications of having the surgery done.
The mood changes, the depressions, the tiredness, the excessive and unexplained weight gain, the hair dropping, the drying skin.......... the feeling of being 'better off dead'.

Like I say, I am not brave enough for this. I want to run away.
I just want to lock myself in my room, away from the world and rot to death.
Say whatever they want, say I am weak, say I am a disappointment.
Maybe I was just born and raised in such a way that I'm always covered and protected, any decisions made are just minor and won't affect me that much.
But not this time,
I'm left alone to fight this war.
Thank you to my dear friends who are worried and showed me so much love after knowing what happened.
But at the end of the day, I'm still all alone.

I know I have to be brave and be strong for myself.
I know I will grow to be a better person after this.

But for now, can I just cry and weep for myself. Don't judge me.

I looked into my mirror and saw a girl with face full of tears,
asking "why me?"

I can't do this

I have been reading alot of articles and searching for a right clinic to get a second opinion from a specialist.

I was optimistic about it when the doctor told me I just need to remove the right side, if worse, left side also and get a radioactive solution into my body and I'm done.

He told me there would be no side effect. And I was so relieved.

Not until I find this.
http://thyroid.about.com/b/2010/09/09/thyroid-cancer-good-cancer.htm

I read through all the comments from people who had the same problem, every single one of them and I couldn't stop trembling in fear and cry.

This is not what I'm prepared for.
I'm only 24, I just had my birthday 2 weeks ago.
I want to get into my dream job and see the world.
I want to be able to run and walk and do things with energy.
I want my youth and not be tainted with hair loss and weight gain.


I haven't been a happy person since young and things only started to get better for me recently and now I'm diagnosed with this piece of shit.
I don't want to remove my thyroid and why must I suffer this?
This is driving me crazy.

No, I am not strong and brave enough for this.
I want to run away.

Just let me go.