I stood in the train and looked at everyone around me.
Everyone, hustling and bustling around the station rushing to work, rushing home, students enjoying their holidays going out in groups and laughing among themselves.

Everyone just going about doing their things, moving on with their lives.

While I stood here, with an empty heart, lost, not knowing what to do.
Confused, choices to be made, doctors to be seen, tests to be done.
Thinking of all the "whys" you could ever imagine.
Swallowing without not noticing that lump that starts to make me uncomfortable.
Touching it and controlling my tears to let them dry before they can fall.

When Dr says it's a 'friendly' cancer, I totally believed him, I mean, doctors are professionals, they've seen so many cases, won't be wrong, right?
I just have to
Remove the right lobe, if it spreads, remove the left too.
Then be on medications my whole life.
Not life threatening, not going to kill me, not going to affect my life expectancy.
Sound great! Isn't it?
So I spent my week hanging out with people I love, laughing with them over silly things, pushing this problem to the back of my mind. Afterall, it's that simple, I'll be fine!

Not when I started to do my own research then I found out all the complications of having the surgery done.
The mood changes, the depressions, the tiredness, the excessive and unexplained weight gain, the hair dropping, the drying skin.......... the feeling of being 'better off dead'.

Like I say, I am not brave enough for this. I want to run away.
I just want to lock myself in my room, away from the world and rot to death.
Say whatever they want, say I am weak, say I am a disappointment.
Maybe I was just born and raised in such a way that I'm always covered and protected, any decisions made are just minor and won't affect me that much.
But not this time,
I'm left alone to fight this war.
Thank you to my dear friends who are worried and showed me so much love after knowing what happened.
But at the end of the day, I'm still all alone.

I know I have to be brave and be strong for myself.
I know I will grow to be a better person after this.

But for now, can I just cry and weep for myself. Don't judge me.

I looked into my mirror and saw a girl with face full of tears,
asking "why me?"