Not here nor there.

Where?

Feels

ME.

Everyday's a learning journey.

Recently I've been learning how to better control my emotions and not just say whatever I want in the heat of anger, wanting to talk back, making myself feel better.

But why do some people just have to be such assholes, serious bitches?

On one hand I'm learning to control myself, on the other I'm just letting people step all over me thinking and I am allowing people to hurt me constantly.

I can't seem to bring myself to give them a good comeback and can't seem to make myself not get hurt with their stupid remarks.

There's a balance for everything.
I'm always on extreme ends........

Still, got to learn.

I cannot take it anymore.

So gonna go for hair straightening at Junie's soon,
after I get my thyroid hormones level right.

This broom hair is pissing me off &%^@&^%@

My colleague said I've put on weight.

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK :(

I will do something about it after my exams, JUST WAIT

>:(

Isolation

Just so damn bloody happy I am homed, sitting here, listening to radio and blogging.

Past 2 days I was isolated in the hosptal after taking my RAI, and boy it was killing me mentally.
And most of the time I was nausea and feeling hungry because......
I hated the hospital food, it has such a weird smell.
I figured it's the oil they use because it's in ALL their food, no matter lunch or dinner.
I only ate the fruits they gave and chuck the rest of the food into the bin, untouched.
I saw the girl (who was isolated with me cause we are both radioactive) forcing the food down, and the smell of it just makes me want to puke.
So everytime when she eats it, I will have the blanket over my head and wished she'll finish her meal soon.
Sighs I came home and Mom brought me dinner.
But whenever I think of the smell of the hospital food, my stomach churns and I lose my appetite.
Don't think don't think!

I can only probably eat Western now, because Chinese food (especially stir-fry meat and rice) just makes me feel so nausea..

Anyhoo, the RAI didn't give me any side effects.
Supposedly salivary glands will be swollen and have dry mouth but I am fine.
Supposedly you will puke but they gave us anti-nausea pills before that (but my nausea comes from the hospital food). I knew a lady in another room who puked :|

So after being locked up in the room and having the nurses avoid us like we are some deadly virus (there was a nurse who really SIAM-ed me when we were walking back to the room after drinking.)
the nurse came in at 6.15am and took my blood (AGAIN!) but she came in at a good time cause I was still quite drowsy so it didn't hurt that much :p
And did a scan. Had to lie down still and not move at all for 20 minutes. My legs were not straight and when the doctor showed me the X-ray I giggled a little cause I looked funny :p

I don't really understand the films and the doctor is a cover doctor as my in-charge was not available that day so he didn't explain much, just said it looks good for now because the thyroid tissues are in the 'normal' areas where they are suppose to be.
I just see dark spots in my salivary gland, neck, some in my intestines and one chunk at my anus/bladder (cause I haven't excrete them)
but they say need to get my blood test results back to have my 'tumor marker' known so have a better diagnosis.


Anyway I'm seeing my doctor (surgeon actually) next week and I shall ask him more.

Okay I am done here.
Just happy to be back.
But have to keep my distance away from pregnant ladies and children below 5 years old.
And wash my clothes seperately for the next 3 days.

Peiyi be good! It will be over soon.

Thyrogen

Hello.

Today's my 2nd Thyrogen shot and tomorrow will be my first RAI treatment.

What is Thyrogen?
It's just a fucking fucking expensive jab that increases my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormones) to a certain level so that I can proceed to do RAI.

TSH basically increases when your thyroid hormone levels is very low.
Traditionally, thyroid cancer patients stop taking the pills for about 4 weeks after removing their thyroid, to naturally increase their TSH

(In simpler terms, no thyroid hormones in your body, thus your body produces this TSH to 'try to stimulate your body to release thyroid hormones' but we don't have thyroid gland anymore so there's nothing coming out but your body will keep increasing the TSH because there's no hormones!)

Anyway. Using traditional method of weaning yourself off the meds has side effects of making you Hypo,
which I am most afraid of because I have heard from a fellow friend who said it was one of the most miserable period in her life.

Physically you get fat and swollen and achy joints.
Mentally you feel tired, depressed, forgetful and other nonsense.

So the doctor offered my this man-made TSH called Thyrogen which is about $3000+ for 2 bloody shots.
I could take this now because I am covered by my Insurance, for NOW.
Taking this jab does not require me to stop my medications but just 2 days of injection before treatment day.

And my body seemed to not like this;
been feeling nausea and having a throbbing headache.

So I'm gonna stop blogging now cause I think I am going to puke something out,
though my last meal was at 12pm -_-

It always get worse after a nap.

Tomorrow's the day!
Nope, not excited at all.