When there's life, there's always death.

Yeap as the title says it all, when there's life, there's always death.
Do you know?
Every second in this world a baby is born, where people rejoice and gather to welcome the new life.
On the other hand,
every second, someone dies, where people mourn and for some, gather to send them off on a journey to the other world.

A relationship between a couple also, sad to say, has 2 different endings too.
It's always either they get married or they end it.

Just yesterday, a friend of his just proposed to his girlfriend and of course she said "I do" because according to him they were a really sweet couple even though they've been together for almost 2 years.
That's not the main point anyway.

So, like I say, every single second there's someone getting married, and definitely someone breaking up.

I don't have to say more, I'm on the other side of the world.
Yes I'm happy they are getting married as I wait for my turn, but God sure knows how to play game with my life.
I was proposed,
but to a breakup.

Would I say I'm heartbroken? I don't know, I feel crushed actually, and numb, like this is the Nth time I'm treated this way and by default by now I should be used to it, this is the feeling I'm having

Am I suppose to cry? Like how I always do when I'm ditched? I don't know. Tears roll down but I managed to stop myself from wailing.

Everything was alright, I had a bad headache and he accompanied me throughout the night till the next morning. As usual I went to shower, but when I came out of the bathroom I was greeted with questions bombarding me asking if I had an affair or did I do something behind him.
As usual we argued and of course I did not do anything that betrayed him, just when I thought we were gonna have another fight over issues with his insecurities,

I saw a bag packed with full of his personal belongings.

That's when I stopped arguing and I know he's leaving.
Why? You may ask why do I think so just because of a bag full of his stuffs, maybe he just need to use them?
But no, because the past few days after we made up after a HUGE fight, he's not been himself and I know he has not been happy.
So today morning, I know he had crossed the line, he decide to end it.


This is not the first time I experience this in a  relationship. There was this guy who obviously showed to me he was unhappy with our relationship but we kept going on even though I could feel his changes. And all he need is just ONE thing, for him to snap, and allow him to let go.

He wanted to end it long ago, because he's not happy but he could not find a reason (or excuse?) to let go, so all he needs, is a reason, in fact ANY reason, for him to use, so it allows him to let go without feeling so much of a guilt.

I guess being in and out of love SO many times did help me manage my life in some ways.
It helped me to accept any breakups and not feel like my world is crashing.

Just needed a space to rant.

How am I feeling?? Numb, crushed, and just... numb.

It's like telling myself "Oh well Peiyi, this is not your first time, in fact this is your Nth time, just get use to it, it'll be over and you'll feel normal again"

Yeah that's what I say to myself so I will not do stupid stuff after a breakup every time.

There's no need to argue who's right and who's wrong, when it ends, there's no use pointing fingers.

Love is just like a gamble, you put in all, you have a 50-50 of losing everything,
that's why Mom always tell me not to put in ALL my feelings because when you lose it, you have nothing left.
At first I listened to her, put in bit by bit, and when I thought I could finally put in ALL of it,
I just have to lose it.

Suck it up bitch,
Life sucks, isn't it?

Winner takes it all, loser standing small.
I've lost, because I risked and put in my ALL, time to admit defeat.

Till then.