Blank

As I sit here, my mind is filled with so many thoughts that it just went blank.

I'm tired, but I can't sleep.

I need someone by my side, but I don't want to talk.

After all, at the end of the day, I'm in this cold room on this cold bed cuddling Ted and Pandas and just venting it out through my tears.

I'm not gonna die, that's the good news.

I should be thankful I found this when I'm still young, though it totally screwed up my job chance at SIA.

So many things I don't know what to do.

I don't want to be on medication for the rest of my life.

I'm going to give Zoukout a miss after having troubled Eve to help me secure a job position

I have my exams in 2 weeks time

How am I going to tell the clinic about this?

The management has not been very understanding about my whole situation 

I'm suppose to go for my half marathon

Right now everything is just so messy...

Why? Why must it be me.

Karma hitting me too hard, but what did I even do? To deserve this?

Dreams. Wanderlust

Before I head down to the hospital to get the results.....

They come true, don't they?

Fix You

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Food!

All my friends know I love to eat, and I can eat ALOT.

But because I need to watch my weight (le sigh....) I only get to enjoy sinful food once in awhile.

Regret to say though, my 'once in awhile' is not really ONCE IN AWHILE sometimes..

Heeeheee.... :p

Mommy always say I will become aneroxic. Seriously? That's the last thing she should ever worry about. I love food too much to be that way.

Even Yiru LOL-ed when I told her that. 

I'm such a glutton, I know~

Anyway just gonna post some photos of food that I made/ate for the past weeks/months I found in my phone.

I'm typing this entry during lunch hour with a piece of tissue stuffed up my left nostril because I'm having such a bad runny nose, I'm running out of tissue and my nose is peeling like crazy from all the rubbing.

I know I can post these pictures up without tempting myself because I have basically lost the 'cravings' that I always have right now.

Poor nose, poor peiyi. 

Recover soon! I want to enjoy all the good food that has been planned for this weekend cause it's my birthday week :D

Decided to try baking this strawberry cheesecake cupcake I found here.

Not as pretty as the one they baked (I'm still such a noob) and my cream cheese frosting is just totally out of shape (no shape actually)

I've had mixed reviews from people who tasted it.

Generally it was abit too oily.

Stupid me added more butter than the recipe asked for because I thought I needed more butter to make sure the crumbs below stick together. When I took the first batch out and ate it, the crumbs fell all over the place. I thought I needed butter so I added more, turned out actually because I ate the cupcake too quickly, should let it cool down first then they will set :/

Yiru said it's too sweet, she didn't like it. I remembered she gave a very painful face when she was eating the cupcake. Seriously I don't think it's that bad laaaaaaa.

Anyway at the end of the week, Momma threw quite a few away because no one ate it at home and the cupcakes became hard.

WTF such a failure T_T

But Victor said it's nice and he ate 3 in one shot BWAHAHAHA :D!

I shall bake these for myself next time, I actually liked them alot!

Duck Confit from Saveur at Far East Plaza. 

Headed there for lunch after my medical checkup with Bryan whom went the same time as me.

He introduced this to me and we ordered other stuff like Mushroom Cappuccino, Foie gras, and a dessert I can't remember the name.

I liked all of them but not the Foie gras, too oily :s

Thanks Bryan for the treat! Okay I treated him the dessert cause I was the one who wanted to eat it then he just share with me cause he said he don't like desserts.

YUMMMMY Strawberry Shortcake from a cafe in Sunset Way (don't remember the cafe name already)

Was contemplating between their waffles ice cream and this for damn long. Only can choose 1 :(

It's very different from other Strawbie shortcakes I had, but it's very yummy and light!

Now I want to have some really nice waffles... Like the one from Wimbly Lu's

*SLURPSSSS*

Ah hem made this sandwich myself after reading online from a site that teaches you how to make a toast in a hostel where time and equipments are limited, added some other ingredients myself to make it MY WAY. Yumzzzzzz. Bacon was abit too salty though I washed it before cooking it already.

I still owe Victor this sandwich which I promised to make earlier oops ;p

Baked Banana muffins! It's not as springy as the muffins you get outside but at least it didn't taste like "Kueh" which happened the last time I attempted to bake muffins.

This was quite a success other than the part that I cut down the amount of sugar stated in the recipe by 40% cause recipes online (especially from Western countries) are always super sweet.

Turned out I didn't add enough sugar (though I added more bananas cause it's naturally sweet) and it wasn't sweet enough.

But this time Yiru liked this better, maybe because she's a health freak so she preferred it not-so-sweet.

Phil the pig think it's not sweet enough cause she's a pig :D

And this time, the family finished up the muffins!

Gonna bake more of this soon when I'm free.

HAHA some healthy cookies I tried to make.

Using just rolled oats and bananas.

I baked this because I always crave for cookies or something sweet and I can't keep eating all the chocolates and biscuits if not I'll get diabetes or become FAT.

This is a good alternative. I tried making another kind of cookie with just grounded almond, egg whites and honey which tasted not bad.

Too bad no one would appreciate these kind of cookies, so I didn't really let anyone eat them.

Other than Yiru of course, and she liked it cause it's healthier. 

Still gonna be baking them soon.

Errrm found this in my room, so I just opened it and ate it.

It was given by my ex when I was preparing for exams, it was too cute so I didn't bear to eat it.

But it's gonna expire soon so........

just take a photo for keepsake.

Andddddd this from De Burg! The best burger I've eaten so far in my lifeeeeeeeeee.

10000X better than Carls Junior, so juicy and it even has a spread of Nutella on it.

I'm so craving for it right now, though the tissue is still up in my nostril as I'm typing this.

I don't think I'll ever get sick of eating this :')

Okay that's all for the food post.

Getting back to work with my manly voice already.

I noticed I've been more active in cooking recently, maybe in an attempt to eat healthier too.

I find it quite therapeutic when I bake, the feeling of mixing the butter and sugar in the mixing bowl with my spatula, then adding in the dry ingredients, and watching the batter turn into awesome cakes and the smell that fills up my kitchen, feels good :))

Soooooooo Mommy asked what do I want for my birthday this year.

I was thinking of getting a bicycle because I really want to ride a bicycle to explore around but they say my room got no space to put a bicycle.

Or a new pair of trainers, or a new set of workout attire, or some weights...

But in the end, I've decided on a FOOD PROCESSOR!

Imma so excited thinking about all the things I can do with the food processor!

I can grind my own oat flour and make better texture healthy cookies/pancakes,

I can make almond milk, I can slice zucchini for pasta substitution, I can make cauliflower mash to substitute rice.

So many things to explore!

Best birthday present ever this year!

Err no.

Best birthday present this year would be me being healthy and okay,

and passing the medical check and start flying next year :D

#prayforpeiyi

BYE!

Sick

Was on a record of not falling sick for more than a year (the last time I fell sick was last year August) and now I'm down with this virus that's making me so so so sick and useless.

I always hear people saying:

When a person who hardly fall sick actually fell sick, it will be a whole lot worse than those who fall sick more frequently.

Is this even true?

Anyhoos, I didn't want to see a doctor because I think it will go away by itself. Bro said common flu cannot be cured by medicine, it's all recovered by our own body's antibodies? But I really want to recover ASAP because 

1)my birthday is coming 

2)I am going for the biopsy and ultrasound scanning this Thursday and I don't want my sickness to affect whatever they are going to test from me.

So I went to the docs after work ytd and took the medicine thinking ill be alot better after a night's sleep.

Slept after the medicine at 8pm last night and woke up this morning at 7am with aches all over, slight fever, and lost my voice.

Mom said the doctor and medicine sucks, and yes I won't be going to that doc anymore. I've always frequent that clinic because its always more empty than the other one and waiting time is shorter. There's actually 2 times I went and my sickness 

1) got worse 

2) didn't recover after completing the medications and went back for another round of "stronger meds" according to that doctor (which means more $$)

When do I ever learn?! 

Yes Greenlife you suck, ill never go back again even if it meant longer queuing and waiting time at Temasek's.

Now I've just had my lunch cooked by mommy and took the medication (i dont have a choice :( )and feeling all weak and drowsy again. 

I hate to fall sick. I feel like a useless person who just lays in bed all day sleeping. I want to workout so bad but I just don't have the strength at all (my hands are trembling as I'm typing this post from my phone)

After this post I'm going back to my bed and be a useless person all over.

But there's always a blessing in disguise.

Sick, but home cooked food by mommy :)

She said she specially went to the market to buy a big piece of fish for me to eat

Love my mommy so much, feels like a little girl again :D

Okay back to rest.

Good nights

10 things never to say about yourself

http://www.boreddaddy.com/10-things-you-should-never-say-about-yourself/

1.  “I’m not good enough yet.”

You might think you’re not good enough, but you’ll surprise yourself if you keep trying.  Your past does not determine who you are. Your past prepares you for who you are capable of becoming.  What ultimately defines you is how well you rise after falling.  Don’t ever be afraid to give yourself a chance to be everything you are capable of being.  Forget the haters.  Never undervalue who you are and what you’re capable of.  Excellence is the result of loving more than others think is necessary, dreaming more than others think is practical, risking more than others think is safe, and doing more than others think is possible.

2.  “I should be living up to other people’s expectations.”

Remember, it’s always better to be at the bottom of the ladder you want to climb than the top of the one you don’t.  Happiness and success is all about spending your life in your own way.  Always be yourself and walk your own path.  No one can ever tell you you’re doing it wrong.  Everyone has their own dreams, their own struggles, and a different path that makes sense for them.  You are YOU for a reason.

If you end up living a boring, miserable life because you ignored yourself and instead listened to a parent, a teacher, or some gal on TV telling you how to live your life, then you have no one but yourself to blame.  Just remember, the smartest and most courageous act is simply to think for yourself and listen to you own intuition.  In the end, it’s better to die your way, than live someone else’s idea of your life.  

3.  “What they think and say about me matters.”

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Don’t let others crush your dreams.  Do just once what they say you can’t do, and you will never pay attention to their negativity again.  Don’t walk away from these negative people… RUN!  Good things happen when you distance yourself from negativity and those who create it.

Truth be told, no one has the right to judge you.  People may have heard your stories, but they can’t feel what you are going through; they aren’t living YOUR life.  So forget what they say about you.  Focus on how you feel about yourself, and do what you know in your heart is right.'

4.  “I need recognition for my actions to be worthwhile.”

Do what you know is right.  Integrity is doing the right thing, no matter what, even when nobody’s going to know whether you did it or not.  Life always finds its balance.  Don’t expect to get back everything you give.  Don’t expect recognition for every effort you make.  And don’t expect your kindness to be instantly recognized or your love to be understood by everyone you encounter.

What seems like the right thing to do could also be the hardest thing you have ever done.  Do it anyway.  There is no greatness or peace of mind where there is betrayal of your own goodwill.  Always aim at complete sincerity of your thoughts, words and deeds.  If it is wrong, don’t do it.  If it is untrue, don’t repeat it.  Do what you do because you believe it’s the right thing to do.  Do the right thing even when nobody is looking.  Be one of the people who make a true difference in the world by leaving it a little better and more wholesome than you found it.

5.  “It’s too late for me.”

Don’t let yesterday steal your present.  Don’t judge yourself by your past… you don’t live there anymore.  Let go, grow, and move forward.  As we grow older and wiser, we begin to realize what we need and what we need to leave behind.  Sometimes walking away is a step forward.  Sometimes a break from your routine is exactly what you need.  Unless you try to master something beyond what you already know, you will feel forever stuck.

Don’t waste another minute regretting what you did yesterday, and start doing what you have to do now, so tomorrow you won’t regret what you did today.  It’s not too late.  If you feel like it is, it’s just your inner fears lying to you.  But remember, fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in your mind.  It’s difficult to follow your heart, but it’s a tragedy to let the lies of fear stop you.  (ReadAwaken the Giant Within.)

6.  “I need to have it all figured out.”

Does the walker choose the path, or the path the walker?  Believe it or not, sometimes it’s the latter.

Sometimes the greatest dreams that come true are the dreams you never even knew you had.  It’s about open-minded exploration.  There are no wrong turns in life, only paths you didn’t know you were meant to walk.  You never can be certain what’s around the corner.  It could be everything, or it could be nothing.  You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and realize you’ve climbed to the peak of the most beautiful mountaintop.

7.  “I do not have enough to be positive and grateful.”

Some days you’ll find diamonds and some days all you’ll see is coal.  However, every day is a golden opportunity to learn, practice gratitude, and positively impact the world around you.  Do not ask for instant fulfillment in your life, but for patience to accept your current frustrations.  Do not ask for perfection in all you do, but for the wisdom to not repeat past mistakes.  Do not ask for more before saying, “THANK YOU” for everything you have already received.

And remember, everything in life is temporary.  So if things are good, enjoy it.  It won’t last forever.  If things are bad, don’t worry because it won’t last forever either.  Just because life isn’t stress-free right now, doesn’t mean you can’t laugh.  Just because something is bothering you, doesn’t mean you can’t smile.  The trick is to be grateful when your mood is high and graceful when it is low.

8.  “My life should be easier and free of discomfort.”

Great challenges make life interesting; overcoming them makes life meaningful.  It’s how you deal with failure and discomfort that determines your level of success and happiness.  Laugh at your mistakes and learn from them.  Joke about your troubles and gather strength from them.  Have fun with the challenges you face and then conquer them.

Emotional discomfort in life, when accepted, rises, crests and crashes in a series of waves.  Each wave washes an old layer of you away and deposits treasures you never expected to find.  Out goes inexperience, in comes awareness; out goes frustration, in comes resilience; out goes hatred, in comes kindness.  No one would say these waves of emotional experience are easy to ride, but the rhythm of emotional discomfort that you learn to tolerate while doing so is natural, helpful and prevalent.  The discomfort eventually leaves you stronger and healthier than it found you.  (Read Man’s Search for Meaning.)

9.  “I can’t forgive them.”

Forgiveness is a promise.  When you forgive someone you are making a promise not to hold the unchangeable past against your present self.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was completely excusable, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that person should still be welcome in your life.  It simply means you have made peace with the pain, and are ready to let it go and move on with your life.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with freeing a criminal of his or her crime.  It has everything to do with freeing yourself of the burden of being a victim – letting go of the pain and transforming yourself from victim to victor.

10.  “I am alone.”

You can’t make it through on your own.  None of us can.  That’s why, thank goodness, you are never as alone as you sometimes feel.  So many of us are fighting the same exact battle alongside you.  You may feel alone sometimes, but you are not alone in being alone.

To lose sleep worrying about a loved one.  To have trouble picking yourself up after someone lets you down.  To feel rejected because someone didn’t care about you enough to stay.  To be afraid to try something new for fear you may fail.  None of this means you’re weird or dysfunctional.  It just means you’re human, and that you need a little time to regroup and recalibrate yourself.

No matter how embarrassed or pathetic you feel about your own situation, there are others out there experiencing the same emotions.  When you hear yourself say, “I am all alone,” it’s just your mind trying to sell you a lie.  There’s always someone who can relate to you.  Perhaps you can’t immediately talk to them, but they are out there, and that’s all you need to know right now.

PMS

Just let me whine please,

Feeling so fucking terrible.

Just when I needed the flu medicines, it's all gone.

1am now and I don't dare to go 7-11 and get any myself.

No one seemed to be bothered about me either, but why should they anyway?

And I need to wake up early to work for an event job later.

Can't stop sneezing, having all blocked and runny nose and feeling like shit.

Wished you were here, but seriously what am I even thinking?

Think it's just PMS working on me now.

God bless me hard that I don't sneeze while pouring champagne in other people's glass tomorrow.

I'll go hug my pandas, maybe they know how I feel.

^%€+%¥*^&&&$$$$$!!!!?

:'(